Survivors
by JolinarJackson
Summary: "Don't be sorry for surviving. I need you." It was the ultimate truth.


**Survivors**

_Word Count: _1.859

_Summary: _"Don't be sorry for surviving. I need you." It was the ultimate truth.

_Characters: _Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness

_Pairing__: _Jack/Ianto

_Rating:_ PG_  
Spoiler: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang _(blink and you'll miss it)_  
Setting:_ Season 2, sometime after _Kiss Kiss Bang Bang  
__Warnings: _Slash, dark, sad_  
Author's Note: _Written for the redisourcolour prompt_ #05 – Darkness_. Had to contain_ "I'll be here for as long as you need me." _and the words _blue, numb _and _wind. _This is the darkest I've ever written. I'm just starting to play with that sort of story.

_Feedback:_ Can't breathe without it.

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood_ and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

XXX

XXX

It came silently, sneaking up on him in quiet hours when he was at home cleaning or watching tv. He could never tell when it would hit him the next time, choking him, making him sick and reducing him to silent tears in the darkness where no one could see him. Where Jack couldn't see him. It was sadness and depression, grief and guilt, pain and fear. It was the one big secret he was keeping from everyone including Jack. And he couldn't even put a name to it.

Ianto stared into the darkness of the archives, his legs pulled to his chest, his arms wrapped around them. But despite the lack of light, he could still see _them._

A streak of light hit the concrete floor, chasing away the darkness and highlighting the edges of the shelves and filing cabinets, now sharp shadows against the dim light of the corridor.

"Ianto?"

Light flickered, blinding him, and Ianto closed his eyes.

"Ianto?"

Jack wouldn't be able to see him in his corner far away from the door, behind shelves and dusty boxes.

"I know that you're in here."

Ianto let the silence stretch, rubbed his wet eyes and rested his head on his knees. Jack's shoes scuffed over the concrete. Ianto heard him taking a few steps into the room.

"Are we playing naked hide and seek? Because it would be fair to let me know beforehand."

Tears kept trailing down Ianto's cheeks and he wiped them away angrily.

_Screams._

Ianto closed his eyes with a startled gasp and curled into himself some more, willing the memory to disappear. "Turn off the lights. Go away," he said softly. There was so much he didn't know about Jack, but this … this was something that Jack didn't know about Ianto and now that the captain was about to find out, Ianto felt ashamed.

_Fire. Blood._

"Come again?" Jack answered, insulted.

_Empty eyes. Cold skin. Death._

"Turn off the lights!" Ianto screamed, losing the "go away" in a sob.

Jack switched the lights off. He even closed the door some more, reducing the intruding light from the corridor to a minimum. "Ianto? Where are you?" He sounded concerned now. A torch was lit – the one Ianto kept next to the door in case the power went out unexpectedly – and his steps towards Ianto's hiding place were fast and determined.

Ianto wanted him to go away and squeezed his eyes shut, wishing to be somewhere else, to be ...

"I thought so," Jack muttered, close to him now, and he stopped walking. "Why are you hiding down here?"

_Twenty-eight._

"Why are you coming after me?" Ianto answered, keeping his eyes closed. But even through his eyelids, he could see the light of the torch destroying the tiny bit of comfort the darkness had brought.

"I thought I'd do something boyfriend-y, you know? Since you've been gone for three hours now and nobody seemed to know where to. And we're dating. So … it's my responsibility to check up on you."

"Sorry to be a burden."

There was shocked silence for a second or two.

"I didn't mean it that way. You have to know that I ..." Jack let out a frustrated breath. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Ianto answered. He heard the fabric rustling and the leather of Jack's shoes creaking and he could just picture him crouching there, looking at him in confusion.

"So, you're sitting here in the dark refusing to open your beautiful blue eyes because ..." Jack waited for him to finish the sentence.

Ianto didn't want to. He wanted to be alone.

"Ianto?" A hand cradled his cheek tenderly.

Ianto turned his head away, choking on a sob when the loving gesture slammed home.

Jack whispered, "Cariad?"

And Ianto broke. Before he knew it, Jack had let go of the torch. It was hitting the concrete with a clatter while hands grabbed Ianto's shoulders and yanked him out of his corner.

Then he was crying into Jack's shoulder, surrounded by Jack's arms.

"What's wrong?" Jack asked, his voice betraying that he was at a loss. "What's wrong?"

Ianto hated himself for being so weak and tried to push him away. "You aren't supposed to be down here."

Jack pulled him back into his arms, holding him tight even though Ianto tried to escape.

"I think I am."

"No," Ianto answered and fought against Jack's hold. His foot hit the torch and it rolled under one of the shelves, leaving them in an almost-darkness. Ianto sagged in Jack's arms and the captain pulled him closer, until Ianto was straddling his legs, his face buried in Jack's shoulder and his arms around Jack's neck. Jack leaned against the shelf behind him. "It's okay," he whispered. "Whatever it is."

"It's not," Ianto cried, twisting his hands in Jack's shirt and staring into his eyes, angry at Jack for even suggesting that everything was alright. It was in that moment that he realized that Jack's eyes were wet.

"Ianto."

There were tears in Jack's voice as well. Ianto put his head on Jack's shoulder, clinging to him. A kiss brushed his temple, fingers carded through Ianto's hair and they sat like that for a long time.

Finally, Ianto whispered, "I want to be dead." He could feel a hitch in Jack's breathing.

"Ianto ..."

"I should be dead."

"Don't say that," Jack answered. He kissed Ianto's forehead, then his lips. "Don't say that!" He tucked Ianto's head under his chin. "Don't say that ever again. I need you. I _need_ you!"

_Screams cutting the hot air. Fires everywhere. Blood on his hands, on his clothes. Empty eyes staring at him while his fingers were searching for a pulse, a sign of life, under cold skin. Death. For everyone but twenty-eight people. _

Ianto sobbed.

"What is this about?" Jack asked.

Ianto hid his face against Jack's shoulder.

Jack gave him some minutes, then he asked softly, "Lisa?"

Ianto shook his head.

"Then what?"

Ianto stared at a box labeled _1938_ and whispered, "Canary Wharf."

Jack kissed Ianto's head, knowing that the battle was still having its effects on his lover.

Ianto wiped his eyes, but new tears were clouding his vision again just a few seconds later. "We were 823 people there. Twenty-eight survivors."

Jack knew the numbers. He'd read them again and again when he'd finally held the official report in his hands, unable to grasp the huge loss. UNIT listed 467 dead and 356 MIA. But …

"The report says that there were only twenty-seven survivors."

"I'm including Lisa," Ianto answered. "I reported her MIA, that's why she didn't make it on the list of survivors. Officially, there were twenty-seven of us. We were lucky, they said. Lucky."

Jack tightened his hold, getting an inkling of what could be wrong with his lover. "You survived. That's a good thing."

"It isn't," Ianto answered weakly. He was exhausted and Jack's warm body against his, the strong arms surrounding him … they made him drowsy. "Look what it got you."

Survivor's guilt. Jack knew it all too well. It was his constant companion, too. "That's what I'm doing. I'm looking."

"I betrayed you, brought Lisa here and she almost killed all of you."

Jack tipped Ianto's chin up. The torch shone enough light to let him see Ianto's reddened and tired eyes. "But she didn't and we made it through and look what it got me – a passionate, sweet, brave and cute man in my bed and my life. A companion and a lover."

Fresh tears were gathering in Ianto's eyes.

Jack rested his forehead against Ianto's. "I'm glad you survived." He pressed his lips to Ianto's, deepening the kiss when the younger man moaned quietly and opened his mouth. He tasted tears and desperation as Ianto pulled him closer. Jack broke the kiss, finishing it with a gentle nuzzling of Ianto's temple. He felt the younger man shiver and was reminded of their whereabouts. Of the malfunctioning heating system. He tried to bring some distance between them, to get Ianto to his feet, but his lover held on tight. "Don't. Not yet. Please ..."

Jack nodded slowly. "Okay. I'll be here for as long as you need me."

XXX

It came suddenly, crashing through his body with blinding force. He could never tell how painful it would be the next time or if there was going to be a next time. It was choking him, making him sick and reducing him to his basic needs. Breathing, struggling, looking for comfort. It was hurting him and taking something from him, making him vulnerable and small, needy and sad. It was the one big secret he was trying and failing to keep from everyone close to him. And there was only one name for it.

Jack was a survivor … and it was a curse.

"It's okay." Warm breath against his cheek and arms around his chest. A strong heartbeat. Jack pushed his head against Ianto's chest, listening to the comforting rhythm. Wind teared at his clothes. They were outside, surrounded by abandoned warehouses. The sky was gray.

"What?" he asked.

"The Weevil wasn't alone," Ianto said softly, knowing just how much Jack needed an explanation now. Sometimes he remembered. Sometimes he didn't.

"Another one got to you from behind." Ianto's next words were punctuated by a sob. "Ripped your throat out."

Jack was numb. There had been a time when he'd been shocked by the many causes of his death. Now he was used to it. To him, it was just another information to file away in his memories. To Ianto, it wasn't. Jack turned his attention to the younger man. "Did you see it?"

A nod and Jack sat up a bit, wrapping an arm around Ianto's shoulders and pulling him closer. Ianto gagged and Jack realized that there was blood all over his shirt and coat. His blood. Ianto's coat was covered in it too and Ianto's hands were smeared with it. Even his face, where he'd wiped at his eyes, his tears.

Jack was used to this.

Ianto wasn't. Would never be. And that broke Jack's heart.

"C'mere." He pulled Ianto into a tight hug, not caring that they were kneeling on dirty wet concrete, two dead Weevils just a few steps away.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling tears track down his cheeks.

Ianto shook his head. "Don't ever be. Don't be sorry for surviving." He pushed his forehead into Jack's neck. "I need you."

"Need you too," Jack answered.

It was the ultimate truth. It was _I love you_, _I'll take care of you_ and _I want you_. It was them.

Ianto sighed. "I'll be here for as long as you do."

END

07/10


End file.
